Why Ancient Wisdom Still Matters in Modern Friendship

By Don Owens

We live in an age of constant connection and easy conversation—texts, memes, emojis, quick check-ins, and virtual communities. But despite all our connectedness, men today are lonelier than ever. Study after study confirms it: friendship among men is in decline. Many have a wide circle of acquaintances, yet few with whom they share a real sense of closeness, loyalty, or spiritual growth. In this modern drought of meaningful male friendship, we’re wise to ask: what did the ancients know that we’ve forgotten?

The truth is, we don’t need a breakthrough. We need a return.

For centuries, philosophers, theologians, and poets wrote deeply about the nature and necessity of friendship. In their world, friendship wasn’t just a nicety or side benefit of life—it was central to a life well lived. Men like Aristotle, Cicero, Augustine, and even Christ himself viewed friendship as an arena where virtue was forged, the soul refined, and meaning found. And they were right.

Their wisdom isn’t outdated—it’s just unpracticed.

The Myth of Modern Progress

We like to think we’ve moved beyond the ancients, that technology and progress have solved the basic problems of humanity. But in the realm of relationships, progress has often meant fragmentation. We’ve gained convenience and lost depth. We’ve mastered small talk and forgotten how to tell the truth. We’re efficient, but no longer intentional.

The ancients had no email, no podcasts, no men's retreats. And yet, their words on friendship feel like they were written for us today. Because human nature hasn’t changed. We still long to be known. We still ache for loyalty. We still want to walk with someone through the chaos of life and know we’re not alone.

Modern friendship is often transactional—based on usefulness, common interest, or shared experiences. But ancient friendship was transformational. It was built on the shared pursuit of the good, a mutual commitment to becoming better men.

Aristotle called this the friendship of virtue—the highest form of friendship. It wasn’t about what someone could offer you; it was about walking with someone who shared your values and desired your growth. This idea may sound idealistic today, but it’s the kind of friendship every man quietly longs for.

What the Ancients Understood

The ancients understood that character is not formed in isolation. It is shaped in the presence of others—especially those close enough to see our patterns and care enough to confront them.

They believed friendship was a moral obligation, not a passive experience. Cicero, in De Amicitia, wrote that friendship could only exist among the good—that is, among those who were striving toward virtue. Without moral alignment and shared truth, friendship could not thrive. In other words, true friendship requires more than just chemistry—it requires commitment to a common good.

Augustine famously said that friends are “the guardians of each other’s souls.” This wasn’t sentimental language. He meant that friendship had eternal consequences. A good friend helps you walk toward what is true and just and beautiful. A bad friend may lead you toward ease, but away from your purpose.

They also knew that friendship required time and presence. It wasn’t squeezed into the margins or reduced to text threads. It was practiced in meals, in letters, in walks, in shared silence. Today, we’re often too busy to go deep. But depth doesn’t happen in a rush.

Bringing Ancient Wisdom to a Modern World

So how does this ancient vision apply to men today? How can we recover something that feels so lost?

It begins with rethinking our expectations. Modern men are often taught to keep friendships casual. The unwritten rule is: don’t get too close. Don’t get too real. But ancient wisdom calls us to the opposite—depth, truth, loyalty, and presence.

If you want ancient friendship in a modern world, here are a few ways to begin:

1. Prioritize Time Together

You cannot build lasting friendship in fragments. Carve out regular time with one or two other men. Not just surface-level check-ins, but real, undistracted presence. Share a meal. Take a walk. Ask how they’re really doing. Stay long enough for the conversation to get awkward—and then honest.

2. Talk About the Good

Don’t just talk about sports, work, or news. Talk about the kind of men you want to become. Talk about courage, integrity, faith, sacrifice. Talk about failure and temptation. These were the subjects that dominated ancient conversations. They still matter today.

3. Invite Accountability

Give your friend permission to speak the hard word. And be the kind of friend who does the same—with grace and love. Iron sharpens iron, not because it’s comfortable, but because it’s necessary. You’ll never grow past the need for someone who can challenge you.

4. Commit to the Long Game

Friendship doesn’t yield quick results. It takes years, not weeks. The ancients were patient in their friendships because they knew the stakes. If you’ve found even one man with whom you can walk toward what is good, don’t take it for granted. Invest deeply.

5. Anchor Your Friendship in Truth

Cicero believed that without truth, friendship is a hollow shell. Make your friendships about more than shared opinion—build them around shared conviction. That may mean faith, or family, or a shared sense of purpose. But it must be something enduring.

Friendship in the Life of Christ

It’s worth noting that even Jesus chose friendship. Though fully divine, He didn’t walk alone. He called twelve, and within the twelve He had three, and within the three He had one “beloved disciple.” He broke bread with them, wept with them, challenged them, and laid down His life for them.

In Christ, we see that friendship is not a luxury for men—it’s part of our design. And in His example, we see how far real friendship will go: it walks with you in joy, weeps with you in sorrow, and stays with you through betrayal.

Jesus didn’t just preach love—He practiced it in relationship. And if the Son of God needed friends, we certainly do.

Conclusion: Not New, But True

Ancient wisdom about friendship isn’t quaint—it’s prophetic. It offers a vision of connection that is deeper than common interest, more enduring than shared background, and more powerful than convenience.

We don’t need to reinvent friendship. We need to recover it.

In an age of noise and shallowness, the wisdom of the past points us toward something better. A friendship that forms character, sharpens virtue, and anchors us in a world adrift. A friendship built not on preference, but on purpose.

So if you're tired of shallow connection and hungry for something more, look backward. The ancients have walked this road before. And they left us a map.