The Three Types of Friendship—and Why One Truly Lasts

Friendship, like most things in life, comes in many forms. Some friends bring laughter. Some bring help. Some simply show up. All are a gift in their own way—but not all are built to last. Aristotle, writing in the 4th century B.C., offered one of the most enduring frameworks for understanding friendship. He named three kinds: friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure, and friendships of virtue.

That insight has stood the test of time because it’s still accurate today. We may not use his categories in everyday speech, but we know them intuitively. We’ve all experienced friendships that blossomed for a season and then quietly faded away. Others were born in convenience and ended the moment that convenience disappeared. Still others—with effort and depth—have stood the test of time. What’s the difference?

Aristotle’s framework helps us see it clearly. And if we’re serious about building lasting friendships as modern men, it can also help us grow the kind that truly endures.

1. The Friendship of Utility

These friendships are formed for mutual benefit. They are transactional in nature. You help me; I help you. Maybe it’s a business colleague, a neighbor, or someone you carpool with to your kids’ soccer games. You see each other regularly, share pleasantries, and get things done together.

There’s nothing wrong with this kind of friendship—it often plays a key role in life. In fact, most of our early relationships as adults start here. But these connections are not built for the long haul. The moment the shared utility ends, so often does the relationship. You switch jobs, move neighborhoods, or change churches—and the friendship fades with it.

These friendships serve a purpose. But they rarely shape us, challenge us, or hold us together through adversity.

2. The Friendship of Pleasure

This is the “fun friend.” The one you watch the game with, grab drinks with, or call when you want to blow off steam. These friendships are built on shared enjoyment. Like utility friendships, they are often circumstantial. What brings you together is the pleasure of time spent—not necessarily depth of character.

In youth, these friendships are especially common. They often thrive on shared humor, adventure, or mutual interests. But they can also be fragile. When life gets serious—when marriage, parenthood, or hardship arrive—these friendships sometimes struggle to hold.

A friendship built only on fun won’t always know what to do with pain. When there’s no longer anything to “do” together, it’s easy for these connections to fade. What felt close may have been circumstantial all along.

3. The Friendship of Virtue

This is the highest kind of friendship, and the rarest. Aristotle described it as the friendship in which each person “wishes the good of the other for the other’s sake.” It is not based on what you can get or how much fun you have, but on who each person is becoming.

Virtuous friendship is grounded in mutual respect, honesty, and the shared pursuit of what is good and true. It grows slowly, often quietly, through shared life, trust, and accountability. This is the friend who tells you the truth when no one else will. The one who celebrates your victories and mourns your losses. The one who sharpens you not because he enjoys criticizing, but because he wants to see you flourish.

This kind of friendship forms the soul. It invites growth, correction, loyalty, and love. It doesn’t disappear when the job changes or the interests shift. It lasts because it’s not built on changing circumstances—it’s built on shared commitment.

Modern Confusion: Blurring the Lines

In today’s world, we often confuse these categories. We call everyone a “friend,” from co-workers to casual contacts on social media. But the ancient view reminds us that not all friendships are equal in depth or purpose. Naming that difference is not unkind—it’s clarifying.

Think about your own friendships. How many are truly based on shared values? How many friends do you have who are more than companions—who are co-laborers in the work of becoming better men?

It’s easy to surround ourselves with people who affirm us. It’s harder to walk with people who refine us. But the latter is the kind of friendship that carries us through life’s trials and into deeper joy.

How to Cultivate Virtuous Friendship Today

If you’ve recognized that most of your friendships are built on utility or pleasure, don’t feel discouraged. All friendships can start there. What matters is whether we choose to go deeper. Here’s how to begin:

1. Be Intentional

Virtuous friendship doesn’t happen by accident. It begins with intentionality. Identify a few men you respect—not just for their charisma or career, but for their character. Invite them into regular conversation. Meet for breakfast, walk, or coffee—not just to talk about hobbies, but to talk about life, decisions, faith, and virtue.

2. Talk About the Deeper Things

Don’t let every conversation stay on the surface. Ask real questions. What are you struggling with? What are you reading? What are you praying about? What do you fear? What do you hope for your children, your marriage, your soul? It may feel awkward at first—but that awkwardness is often the doorway to something real.

3. Offer and Receive Challenge

A virtuous friend doesn’t flatter. He tells the truth—in love. That means you must be willing to hear correction, and brave enough to offer it. Not out of pride, but out of care. In these moments, real friendship is tested—and made stronger.

4. Practice Loyalty

Loyalty in friendship doesn’t mean blind agreement. It means staying when things get hard. It means not speaking behind a friend’s back. It means forgiving when you’ve been wounded, and asking forgiveness when you’ve wounded them. Loyalty is the soil in which trust takes root.

5. Anchor Your Friendship in Something Greater

Ultimately, the deepest friendships are forged not just in each other, but in something beyond both of you. For many, that’s faith. For others, it’s a shared cause or a moral commitment. But without that larger anchor, friendships drift. A shared pursuit of truth gives friendship gravity.

One Friendship That Can Last Forever

In Christ, we find the perfect model of virtuous friendship. He loved without condition, spoke truth without fear, and laid down His life for His friends. That kind of friendship is not only possible—it’s promised to us. And it invites us to do the same.

Jesus called His followers friends. He walked with them, challenged them, forgave them, and ultimately gave Himself for them. If we are to reflect His image, we too must walk in friendship marked by sacrifice, truth, and grace.

Conclusion: Build What Lasts

Not every friendship will be a friendship of virtue. That’s okay. But every man should have at least a few who walk with him in truth. They will stand beside you in storms. And when life changes—as it inevitably will—they are the ones who remain.

So ask yourself: What kind of friend am I? What kind of friends am I seeking? And what kind of friendship am I willing to build?

Because in the end, the only friendship that lasts is the one built not on what’s easy—but on what’s good.